Continuing the theme from Chapter 3 of how marriage illustrates the fact that Christ’s relationship with his bride is built on a basis of grace, Chapter 4 speaks about two forms which that grace must take. Colossians 3:12-13 tells us
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.(Colossians 3:12-13 ESV, emphasis added)
The principle we see here is that God expects us to take the same grace that has been given to us vertically and bend that out horizontally to other people, but especially to our spouse (v 18-19). Doing that will be expressed in both forgiving sin and forbearing strangeness. This is based on the massive foundation of the person and work of Christ. Verse 12 tells us that as a result of Christ’s work, we as believers are 1) God’s elect chosen ones, 2) Holy and set apart before God based on the blood of Christ that covers us and 3) Loved with an invincible love. This must be the beginning of how husbands and wives forbear and forgive: by being blown away at being chosen, set apart and loved by God.
These three inward conditions should then lead to three outward demeanors taught in pairs. First, we should display compassionate hearts (lit “bowels of mercy”) and kindness. We’ve been shown so much mercy by a compassionate God that we should naturally have compassion and kindness toward others, especially the one who is closest to us. The second pair, humility and meekness, speak to our pride and self-focus. When we truly understand how sinful we are and unworthy of God’s grace it should “have a way of breaking our pride and sense of rightful demands and our frustration at not getting our way. It works lowliness into our souls. Then we treat each other with meekness flowing out of that lowliness.” (p 56)
The third pair is different because it is an inner condition of patience followed by forbearance and forbearance. Patience is literally “long-suffering” or could be thought of as a long fuse. Piper says:
If you are quick to anger, instead of being long-suffering, the root is probably lack of mercy and lack of lowliness. In other words, being chosen, holy, and loved has not broken your heart and brought you down from self-centeredness and pride.
So when we have a long fuse we will bear with one another or endure each other’s strangeness and we will be ready to forgive each other’s sins.
Paul recognizes that both forgiving and forbearing are crucial for life together – whether in church or marriage. Forgiveness says: I will not treat you badly because of your sins against me or your annoying habits. And forbearance acknowledges (usually to itself): Those sins against me and those annoying habits really bother me or hurt me! If there were nothing in the other person that really bothered us or hurt us, there would be no need for saying “endure one another.”
Marriage involves a choice to extend grace and forgiveness to another person that flows out of the grace that we have received. It chooses not to dwell on the negatives but to deal with the negatives so that we can dwell in the joy of the relationship.
